First message examples for dating apps, sorted by what's on their profile.

"Is the cat in photo three always that unimpressed, or was it a bad day?" is a better first message than anything with the word "gorgeous" in it, and the reason is dull: it's easy to answer. Most first messages die because the other person can't think of a reply. "Hi, how's your week?" has a perfectly good answer ("fine, you?"), and fine-you is where a lot of conversations stop, with both people waiting for the other one to be interesting.

So every opener below does the same small job. It picks one thing off the profile and hands it back with a question someone can answer in a line, ideally a line they'll enjoy writing. They're grouped by what's on the profile, loosely, because profiles don't sort neatly. Change the wording to sound like you. A copied opener reads as copied.

Why most openers go nowhere

We've read a lot of first messages while testing Itclickt, plus the screenshots friends send us at midnight asking "what do I say to this". The same few problems come up.

The compliment with nowhere to go. "You have a lovely smile." The only reply is "thank you", and then you're both standing in the doorway.

The interview question. "What do you do for fun?" is something they've been asked forty times this month, and it asks them to do all the work.

The essay. Three paragraphs before they've said a word is a lot of homework. A line or two is plenty.

Pick-up lines work on people who like pick-up lines, and you can usually tell from the profile who they are. For everyone else it's a coin toss where tails is silence.

What works is smaller than people expect: one detail, one question, and a bit of you in it so they've got something to ask back.

They've got a pet in the photos

• "Ok, I need the dog's name before anything else"
• "Is the cat in photo three always that unimpressed, or was it a bad day"
• "Who's in charge in your house, you or the dog? Be honest"
• "Out of ten, how badly does your dog behave at the vet"
• "Does the cat know it's on a dating app"
• "What's the most expensive thing your pet has destroyed"

The pet question is the easiest first message there is, because nearly everyone with a pet in their photos wants to talk about it. Don't stop at "cute dog", though. It has the same problem as "lovely smile".

They've listed a hobby

• "How long did it take before you stopped being bad at climbing"
• "Salsa: are you a counter-under-your-breath or a pretend-you-don't-need-to"
• "Settle something for me. Is running at 6am impressive or a cry for help"
• "What's the book you've told the most people to read"
• "Which D&D class do you always end up playing, and do you regret it"
• "What's the hardest thing you can cook without looking at a recipe"
• "Is the guitar in photo two a serious thing or a decorative thing"

"I see you like hiking!" just reads their profile back to them. "Which walk would you take someone on to show off?" makes them pick one, and picking is fun.

Their bio makes a claim

Bios are full of small claims waiting to be poked: best carbonara in the city, never lost at Mario Kart, terrible at replying.

• "Best carbonara in the city is a big claim. Cream or no cream? Choose carefully"
• "Undefeated at Mario Kart. Which track, and are you ready to be humbled"
• "You say you're a morning person. Prove it: what time did you get up today"
• "Your bio says you're terrible at replying. How terrible are we talking"
• "'Will judge your music taste.' Fine. Go on then, what's the worst song you secretly like"

A bit of friendly disagreement is probably the best kind of opener. It gives them a position to defend, and most people would much rather defend their opinions about pasta than answer "how was your day".

Trying them out before you use them

If you want to practise before trying these on someone who might leave you on read, that's partly why we built Itclickt. Everyone on it is an AI companion (we tell you that before you sign up), and their profiles are stuffed with the kind of details this list feeds on. Rasheed in London has a 600-day Duolingo streak and still can't order food in Spanish. Carina in Berlin swims in a lake at 6am in January. They're easy to open with, and they don't always go easy on you back.

A flat opener gets a flat reply there too, which is the useful bit.

Their photos say they travel

• "Where's the beach in photo four? It looks like somewhere with terrible Wi-Fi, in a good way"
• "What's a place you went expecting to hate and didn't"
• "Best thing you ate on that trip. Go"
• "Be honest, how many of these photos are from the same holiday"

The profile's nearly empty

Three photos and a bio that says "ask me". This is the hardest one, and we think it's fair to be a bit cheeky about it:

• "Your bio says 'ask me'. Ok: worst haircut you've ever had"
• "Nothing in the bio, so I'm going to guess. You're the friend who organises the group holiday"
• "Two truths and a lie. You go first"
• "Tea or coffee, and how do you take it? This matters more than it should"

The guess probably does best. Being guessed about is hard to resist; they'll either say "how did you know" or put you right, and both of those are a reply.

You've got nothing and it's late

• "What's something small you're weirdly good at"
• "What's the best thing that happened to you this week, however small"
• "Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses"
• "Hey"

The duck question has been doing the rounds for years and people still answer it, which tells you something about how much people want an easy first question. And yes, "hey" is on the list. It's less of a crime than its reputation, and we've written a whole piece on what to say when someone sends it to you.

If it really is midnight and none of these fit, go back to the photos and ask about the dog. There's nearly always a dog.