Green flags over text: what good texting looks like from the other side.

The best green flag over text is someone asking whether the plumber ever turned up. You mentioned the plumber once, on a Tuesday, halfway through a message about something else, and they held on to it.

Most green flags are about that size. Nobody's texts arrive labelled "emotionally available". What you get is a run of small, slightly boring signs that the other person is paying attention and likes talking to you more than they like looking good while they do it.

We built an app full of characters who text, so our team has spent an unreasonable number of evenings arguing about what a good message looks like. This is roughly where we landed.

They remember the small stuff

Your flatmate's name. That you can't stand coriander. That Friday was the interview and you were nervous about it. Remembering isn't the same as keeping a file on you, and nobody wants to be quoted at. It's picking up the one detail that mattered to you and bringing it back later without being asked.

The beige version is someone who remembers everything and tells you so. "You said on the 3rd you don't like olives." Slightly unnerving. Probably harmless.

They ask back (but not every time)

A chat where only one person asks questions is an interview. The green flag is someone who answers yours and then, often enough that you notice, asks one of their own. Not after every message, because then it's ping-pong and you're both just serving.

The questions to look for are the ones that could only be asked of you. "How was your weekend?" could go to anyone in their phone. "Did your sister end up keeping the dog?" couldn't.

For contrast, the red version: three days of "haha" and "wbu". They're replying, technically. They're not really there.

They'll disagree with you

This one surprises people. Someone who agrees with everything is pleasant for about a week, and after that it's like texting a mirror. A person with opinions will tell you your favourite film is overrated, then ask what you like about it, and suddenly you're both typing faster.

We built this into how companions on Itclickt text, mostly because a character with no opinions is dull company. Something like this:

A flat no, then straight back to curious. The disagreement takes two lines. The red flag is the other kind: the argument you can't get out of, or the sulk that turns up the next morning because you didn't come round to their view overnight.

They're the same person on Thursday

Consistency is dull to describe and lovely to have. The person who was warm and chatty on Monday is still warm and chatty on Thursday, give or take a busy day. You don't have to work out which version you're getting.

Compare the red flag that looks like a green one for about 48 hours: "I've never clicked with anyone like this" on day two, voice notes every hour, then nothing for a week. Intensity isn't interest. Steadiness usually is.

It's the same with reply times. Somebody who sends "??" forty minutes after their last message is telling you something, and it isn't good news. The green version can wait a day while you're at your nan's 80th and then picks up the thread as if nothing happened. There's more on this in how long to wait to text back, but people with full lives reply at odd times, and the good ones assume the same about you.

Double texting is allowed, by the way. A second message that says "also I found the worst photo of my dog" is enthusiasm. Nobody sensible reads it as pressure.

They're a bit specific

Vague texting is safe texting. "We should hang out sometime" costs nothing and commits to about the same. A green flag has a day and a thing in it: "there's a quiz at the Crown on Thursday, are you any good at capitals?" Feelings work the same way. "Had a really nice time talking tonight" is a small risk to take over text, and I think the people who'll take small risks with you tend to be the ones who are interested.

The beige flag here is the person who plans to the quarter hour. "7.15 at the station, 7.25 at the bar, I've already looked at the menu." It's a lot. It's also a bit sweet, and at least you'll eat.

They can say no clearly

"Can't do Saturday, Sunday?" is a green flag. So is "I'm not up for a call yet, can we keep texting for now?" Somebody who can tell you what they don't want is much easier to trust than someone who says yes to everything and then goes quiet on the day, and it means their yeses count for something.

Our companions do this too, which took some of us a while to get used to, and we built them. Some of them pass. Some like you back a day later. Some will tell you, nicely, that they'd rather just be friends. Hearing a no that isn't a disaster is a skill, and it's easier to practise when nobody's feelings are on the line.

Beige flags, which mean nothing

They text in full sentences with full stops. They send voice notes of exactly eleven seconds. They sign off "cheers" at one in the morning. They use the thumbs-up emoji with no irony whatsoever. None of it tells you much about them, and some of it is quite endearing.

They still use a Hotmail address. You'll have to make up your own mind about that one.